How many of us have learned how to build loving
relationships? Where did we learn? At home?
At school? There is an art and science to
building strong relationships. These are
indispensable tips, written with romantic
relationships in mind, but with a little modification
you can apply them to your friendships, family, and
even work relationships.

1. Create a safe environment where you
can trust and share openly without fear. 


Don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand
over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight
fairly. No name calling. Don’t make threats.
Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too
angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room,
take space for yourself, breathe, and calm down.

Remember: your partner is not the enemy.

2. Separate the facts from the feelings.


What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during
conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my
past that is influencing how I’m seeing the situation
now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this
about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the
real truth?

Once you’re able to differentiate facts from
feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and be
able to resolve conflicts from clarity.

3. Develop compassion.


Practice observing yourself and your partner without
judging. Part of you might judge, but you don’t have
to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The
opposite of judging is compassion. When you are
compassionate, you are open, connected, and more
available to dialoguing respectfully with
your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your
partner compassionately, you will have more power
to choose your response rather than just reacting.
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4. Create a “we” that can house two
“I’s.” 

The foundation for a thriving, growing,
mutually supportive relationship is
being separate, yet connected. In
codependent relationships, each person sacrifices
part of him or herself — compromising the
relationship as a whole. When you are separate and
connected, each individual “I” contributes to creating
a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

5. Partner, heal thyself.

Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional
holes, and don’t try to fill theirs.
Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves.
Your partner, however, can support the journey as
you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living
in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.

6. Ask questions.

All too often, we make up our own stories or
interpretations about what our partners’ behavior
means. For example: “She doesn’t want to cuddle;
she must not really love me anymore.” We can never
err on the side of asking too many questions, and
then listen to the answers from your whole self —
 heart, gut, mind, and body. Equally important
is to hear what’s not being said — the facts
and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.

7. Make time for your
relationship. No matter who you are
or what your work is, you need to nurture your
relationship. Make sure you schedule time to be
together. Frequently create a sacred space together
by shutting off all things technological and digital.
Like a garden, the more you tend to your
relationship, the more it will grow.

8. Say the “hard things” from
love.

Become aware of the hard things that you’re not
talking about. How does that feel? No matter what
you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of
your emotions so that you say what you need to say
in a constructive manner.

There you have it. Be kind to yourselves.
Remember: change takes time and every step counts.